How to build confidence, self esteem, be more assertive and lose the shyness!
“All of us are gifted; some just open our packages earlier than others.” Unknown
Build Self Confidence
Did You Check Your Confidence Level?
Would you like to be confident? Your answer may be – YES.
I do want to be confident.
However, this answer lacks the impact. It is too generalized.
Just like everybody wants to do well in life and be rich but not many ever realize this wish. This is because to actually get somewhere in life, you need to quantify your confidence. You need to define the task for which you need to be confident so that you can execute it successfully.
A mere wish to be confident won’t take you anywhere. The dream must have a deadline as well!
Self Confidence might mean different things to different people groups.
For a child it might mean to be able to recite the poem to her teacher the next morning. For a business executive it might mean to be able to present the business report to the Board of Directors.
For a salaried person it may be the ability to be able to make a switch over from his secure job to a new independent venture and so on. To execute their respective tasks, these people need a certain level of confidence, which would see them through.
Every task requires a minimum level of confidence to be able to be executed. Do you have a task in your mind to be done? Do you have the level of confidence required? Let us check it out!
Following is a simple questionnaire. You have to answer to these in a YES or NO
1. Does it happen too often with you that you cannot take a decision all by yourself and you seem to look for your colleagues, friends, or your spouse to sort the matter for you?
2. Do you always seem to be in perpetual need of a support system wherein you can feel secure?
3. Do you just sit and listen all the times in your office meetings?
4. Do you feel difficulty in reporting a matter to your boss or you have an excellent idea that can improve your company’s efficiency but you cannot muster enough courage to go and talk about it to your Boss?
5. Are you terrified to meet someone new? Is public speaking your worst nightmare?
6. Do you timidly accept orders from your superior even though you know that you are already overloaded and you need to say no?
7. Are you excessively concerned about what other people think of you?
8. Do you fear taking risks?
9. Do you feel dissatisfied about your appearance?
10. Are you uncomfortable in social gatherings – being amongst lots of people?
If you happen to answer these questions with a Yes, you seem to have a confidence crisis that might become an obstacle in successfully executing your tasks.
Don’t panic, as it is good that you found out since now you are aware of a potential problem of your life. The very fact that you are aware of your confidence rating makes you ready to take further action and work towards eliminating the negative effects of low confidence levels and work towards building your self confidence.
Here are some more questions you may answer.
1. Have you accomplished anything in the past?
2. Are you the one to go ahead and break the ice at a new place or wait for someone else to initiate a discussion?
3. Do you feel you are well respected by others?
4. Do you think you have the potential to succeed?
5. Are you a happy and loving person?
6. Are you satisfied with your career graph?
7. Are you satisfied with your skills and qualifications?
8. Do you feel in control of your life?
9. Do you imagine yourself to be more successful five years from now?
10. Do you feel that you are a worthwhile person?
If you happen to answer most of these questions with a NO, you have LOW self-confidence levels.
However, a YES is never decisive and a NO is never final. One needs to constantly maintain the good points and work towards converting bad points into good points. And the good news is that it is very much possible.
It’s important that you honestly answer the questions above, since only when you realize the present status of your self-confidence would you be working towards building self-confidence or maintaining and increasing your present levels.
Self Esteem
Self esteem is an individual’s image and perception of how the world sees them and can have been lowered drastically by criticism and in some cases abuse and bullying by parents, teachers and peers, but by use of positive language and thinking, self-esteem will grow slowly at first but with repetition confidence and self assurance will become an established state.
With low self-esteem we will be pessimistic and lack the confidence to reach for a higher standard of life, therefore to achieve results, building self-esteem is an essential part of coaching.
• Make a list of times you helped others less fortunate than yourself and how you felt about what you did.
• Do a list of all the positive things in your life just now, and ask yourself what influence they have on the good things in your life – ie why have you got so many good friends? (assuming they say they have good friends) What do you think your friends think of you?
• How do the you respond when asked “how are you” Are you negative or positive in your reply – you should always reply in a positive mode ie “I am good” – “I feel great”
• List all the skills and talents you have. “How do you feel about the skills you have?” “How do you think your friends view your skills?”
• If you professes to have a low self esteem (ie image of yourself)
“what do you think caused you to think this way?”
“What evidence do you have that “how you see yourself” is true reality?”
What can you do to change how you think others see you and how you see yourself?”
What else?
Build your Self Esteem
A lot of people are hard on themselves. It is always good to hear people say that they do not compete with other people because they only have to outdo their selves. This is a good attitude because when you focus on yourself, you develop at your own pace and you do not see yourself at a loser.
There are times though when this becomes negative because a person becomes too criticizing of himself or herself. There is no worst critic than yourself because once you believe in the negative self worth you put in your mind, you could easily crumble with whatever negative the world will throw at you.
A low self esteem is one of the greatest enemies of a person because losing it is like losing oneself.
Before it is too late, let us focus on building self esteem. It is important always be optimistic. Most people you meet are cynical these days but there is no reason for you to join the crowd.
Being optimistic means capitalizing on the good and positive.
No matter how bad the situation or how things maybe so difficult for you, there are always good and positive things to turn to.
You do not have to lose touch of reality to be optimistic. You just have to learn how to deal with a sad situation with a happy disposition or a really bad scenario with a hopeful disposition.
It should also not stop within yourself because you have to practice optimism to other people and ideally wherever you find yourself at.
Helping other people is also another way to build self esteem. You do not have to be rich to help other people so do not wait until you are a millionaire before you start being charitable.
There are other things you can share with other people to help uplift their lives.
If you have a special talent like teaching then do volunteer work at your community school for the under privileged or be part of your church choir. Besides we all know how blessed are those people who give more that what they have. Sincerely helping other people will make you feel good of yourself after all you do not give away kindness because kindness always comes back to you and usually at a time you need it the most.
Do not be so hard on yourself. It is okay to dream big dreams. We are always told to reach for the top but set realistic expectations and goals for yourself so that if you fail or if you lag behind your timetable you do not immediately feel so bad instead you look at ways on how to get back on track.
Try and try until you succeed should be your mantra and believe that you can do it. There may be people to help you but it is really up to you. The fact that you dreamed it, you are capable of achieving it because that dream came from the inner whispers of your soul and you cannot deny yourself that.
Having self esteem is like having a self that is ready for whatever is ahead whether it is good or bad. Always in the end, you will be a success because you’ve got the best version of you.
Your 7 days program to become more assertive
I seem to lost count on how many times I’ve read and heard of celebrity marriages failing almost left and right. Not that I care (and personally I don’t), it seems strange that we often see movie and TV stars as flawless people, living the fairytale life of riches and glamour. I suppose we all have to stop sticking our heads in the clouds and face reality.
There are many ways to lose your sense of self-esteem despite of how trivial it could get. But whatever happens, we should all try not to lose our own sense of self.
So what does it take to be a cut above the rest? Here are some of the things you can think and improve on that should be enough for a week.
1. Know your purpose
Are you wandering through life with little direction – hoping that you’ll find happiness, health and prosperity? Identify your life purpose or mission statement and you will have your own unique compass that will lead you to your truth north every time.
This may seem tricky at first when you see yourself to be in a tight or even dead end. But there’s always that little loophole to turn things around and you can make a big difference to yourself.
2. Know your values
What do you value most? Make a list of your top 5 values. Some examples are security, freedom, family, spiritual development, learning. As you set your goals for 2005 – check your goals against your values. If the goal doesn’t align with any of your top five values – you may want to reconsider it or revise it.
The number shouldn’t discourage you, instead it should motivate you to do more than you can ever dreamed of.
3. Know your needs
Unmet needs can keep you from living authentically. Take care of yourself. Do you have a need to be acknowledged, to be right, to be in control, to be loved? There are so many people who lived their lives without realizing their dreams and most of them end up being stressed or even depressed for that matter. List your top four needs and get them met before it’s too late!
4. Know your passions
You know who you are and what you truly enjoy in life. Obstacles like doubt and lack of enthusiasm will only hinder you, but will not derail your chance to become the person you ought to be. Express yourself and honor the people who has inspired you to become the very person you wanted to be.
5. Live from the inside out
Increase your awareness of your inner wisdom by regularly reflecting in silence. Commune with nature. Breathe deeply to quiet your distracted mind. For most of us city slickers it’s hard to even find the peace and quiet we want even in our own home. In my case I often just sit in a dimly lit room and play some classical music. There’s sound, yes, but music does soothe the savage beast.
6. Honor your strengths
What are your positive traits? What special talents do you have? List three – if you get stuck, ask those closest to you to help identify these. Are you imaginative, witty, good with your hands? Find ways to express your authentic self through your strengths. You can increase your self-confidence when you can share what you know to others.
7. Serve others
When you live authentically, you may find that you develop an interconnected sense of being. When you are true to who you are, living your purpose and giving of your talents to the world around you, you give back in service what you came to share with others -your spirit – your essence. The rewards for sharing your gift with those close to you is indeed rewarding, much more if it were to be the eyes of a stranger who can appreciate what you have done to them.
Self-improvement is indeed one type of work that is worth it. It shouldn’t always be within the confines of an office building, or maybe in the four corners of your own room. The difference lies within ourselves and how much we want to change for the better.
Five Steps to Greater Self-Control
It takes self-control in order to reach your goals. You increase it the same way you beef up your self-confidence, by mastering smaller steps one at a time, and building up trust in yourself.
Step One: Making the Commitment
You’ll find your goals are easier to reach once you can focus on them in your mind. What exactly do you want to do? What – exactly – are the steps needed to take you there?
It’s easy to say you want to live a healthier life, but you won’t accomplish anything by trying to cover everything at once. Look at your current abilities, and what you’re able to tackle right now. Using your strengths, how can reach your overall goal? Eating more Vegetables? Cutting down on smoking? Exercising with friends?
Pin down your goal and focus your efforts on taking manageable steps in that direction.
Step Two: Put it in Writing
Making a commitment is a lot like making a map. It’s easier to follow your decisions when you’ve laid them down on paper.
When you can see your plan, when you have a chance to check items off one by one, you feel powerful and in control of your situation. Writing things down strengthens you focus, and gives you a reminder of what you have to work on.
Step Three: Kick into Action
Start once you make your commitment. If you wait for the next day, or the next week, or after the holidays, etc you will keep coming up with reasons to avoid starting at all. Worse, you’ll find reasons to stop midstream.
If you find yourself tempted, it may be a sign that your baby steps aren’t small enough. “Never drinking soda pop ever again” may work for someone who drinks a very small amount, but for someone who lives on carbonation, it’s not realistic.
Remember, self-confident people honor their abilities and know their limitations. They don’t set themselves up for fairly. Be good to your spirit by setting goals that won’t drag you off-course.
Step Four: Let the Daydreams Begin
Motivation fuels your efforts. Daydreams fuel your motivation.
Take some time today to imagine your success. See yourself drinking bottled water, or chewing on gum instead of taking a drag. Envision your thinner thighs or sparkling white teeth. Most importantly, see yourself smiling.
While visualizing the life you want to lead is a powerful tool in building confidence, you can also use visualization techniques to fight off negative thinking.
The next time stresses come to call, close your eyes for a moment and breathe deeply. Imagine yourself walking into a blooming garden. Stop in front of a rose bush, littered with vibrant blooms and wilting ones. Put on your garden gloves, and pick up your shears, then stop to smell the roses. With every sniff of a vibrant bloom, here the whispering positive messages in your mind. “You can do this.” “You will reach your goals.” “You deserve your success.”
The wilted blooms have an acrid smell, and whisper negative comments. Snip them off the bush before they have their whole say, but them in your basket and once back in your office, throw them away.
Step Five: Celebrate Your Success
However little they may be, make a display when your plans reach fruition. It takes focus, commitment, and effort to make even the smallest baby step turn out. Take a moment to feel proud of yourself and realize that improving your life isn’t so tough.
You may even want to reward yourself when you reach certain milestones, but be careful. You want to make progress for yourself, not for the latest CD or a new watch.
Sticking to your goals isn’t so much about willpower as it is making your choices realistic, and aligning your actions with your overall purpose. Be forgiving, hopefully, and celebrate your successes. Soon you’ll be living the life that you want, and you’ll have the trust that you need to meet future obstacles head on.
Build The Confidence To Approach Other People,
Through The Power Of Compassion!
Do you often feel uncomfortable in a social situation? Perhaps you’re overly shy? Or your stomach ties up in knots at the thought of approaching someone even just to say “Hi!”
Well the good news is that there are many techniques which you can use to help you overcome this problem of social shyness or anxiety. I’m going to share one of my favorites below. But first, three important points that need to be highlighted (so imagine them covered by ink from a bright yellow fluoro highlighter pen)
1. Don’t expect to get the confidence of Tony Robbins in one day. All changes happen in small steps. Make an effort to stretch yourself just a little bit further every day. And celebrate your victories, no matter how small they are. Those small victories will over time grow into a massive change in your confidence.
2. The best way to overcome a fear is to face it and succeed. What I’m presenting today is one way to build the courage to face your fear. What you need to do though is not only use it, but also search out a whole host of other techniques as well. And use them! Different techniques may be more appropriate for different situations. We’ll of course be talking about many of the other techniques in future articles.
3. As always, if your social shyness or anxiety is causing difficulties in your life, please consider talking to a doctor or a coach. They will be able to expand on this strategy, and provide you with many more. They really can help.
So, as promised, here’s one of my favorite techniques for helping you feel more confident as you approach other people in a social situation.
You will be tapping into one of the greatest powers you have within you. More powerful than all the fear you may currently feel.
That power is compassion.
In many of us though it lies asleep, a luxury we feel we can’t afford just yet. Maybe something we’ll get around to exploring when we get over our problems and start feeling happy about ourselves. After all, how can we be compassionate towards others when we don’t even feel good about ourselves?
Is that what you think?
Well, I think we’re better served by looking at things from a different perspective. One that sees compassion not only as a tool for helping others, but also for helping ourselves.
So, how do we use compassion in this situation?
SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE AS BEING JUST LIKE YOU!
They are human. Somewhere within them they have fears too. Their fears may not be visible to you on the surface, but they’re there. We are all human.
We all desire human contact!
We all desire friendship!
We all desire to be loved!
So before approaching someone, remind yourself that they too may have difficulties making the first move. They may be waiting for someone to talk to about their problems and their issues. They may be waiting for someone just like you, who can understand them and their own fears. Someone just like you, with a heart filled with compassion and love. And perhaps in time, if a friendship develops, you can help them with their own fears.
Why does this work? Simply because it takes the focus off you, and places it onto the other person. How can you help them? How can you be their friend in a time of need?
Of course, don’t approach them with these questions directly. It would not be appropriate in most social situations, especially if you don’t know the person yet. Just approach them with this understanding, that they’re just like you. They too are human. Make conversation. Talk about them, and their interests. Many times this may lead nowhere. Sometimes though, it could develop into one of the best friendships of your life.
They’re just like you. So there’s no need to be afraid. They also want someone to talk to. Help them!
You can let your shyness or anxiety be a source of fear within yourself, or you can let it build your compassion towards others who are also facing their own demons. Choose compassion! In return, you will also be helping yourself overcome your own fears, one conversation at a time.
Discipline!
We live in a world where instant gratification is demanded and self discipline is less and less practised. Without self discipline you will find it very hard to shake off the habit of procrastination. When discipline becomes a habit it is an essential tool for regulating your life and keeping ones self out of trouble. Promise yourself to do this every day.
With lack of discipline we find we are reluctant to take responsibility for our life (our actions), we do the easy and most short term rewarding things first, we don’t accept the reality of our situation (in life) and we can’t judge the long term effects of our actions or lack of action – in other words, we “go with the flow”
“Going with the flow” is easy but when you are going with the flow you are going downhill!.
Good discipline means getting out of bed when the alarm goes off, going to work every day and doing the jobs that you dislike most,- first – getting them out of the way and letting yourself enjoy the more pleasant jobs or activities for the rest of the day. This called postponing gratification.
When we accept responsibility for our actions or lack of action and accept the consequences we are showing discipline and will gain creditability and respect beyond our expectations.
People who hide behind excuses and continually duck out of their responsibilities are never able to gain the respect or love of their colleagues.
When you go on a diet or stop smoking it takes discipline to stick with it till you get the results that you want.
The best way to build this discipline is to take small steps one at a time, towards your goal – one step now and practise it for two weeks and then take the next step and so on.
One step at a time is always a great way to anything, especially if it is a difficult task like building a new (good) habit or getting rid of an old bad one.
Discipline is an essential habit to cultivate if you are trying to recover from any addictive disease like alcoholism or drug addiction.
You notice that I called those addictions “disease’s” – I truly believe that they are disease’s because they affect the body and the mind.
Discipline should be practised in many ways to help combat addiction, like getting up in the morning, getting washed and dressed, making your self presentable thereby taking a small step to building your self esteem.
Taking some action each day to fill up your day with useful activities – anything to take your mind off the feelings of depression that goes with addiction is essential.
For people who have no addiction, but just can’t find their “get up and go” – in other words suffer from procrastination, discipline is important if they want to succeed in life.
It is necessary to plan your life (set your goals etc) and do at least one action of your plan each day
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Are any of the following a question you would ask?
- How do I become more assertive and lose my shyness?
- How to be more confident and overcome shyness?
- How to build and improve self-esteem?
- How do I get information on gaining and building confidence?
- Will building confidence and boosting self-esteem help me deal with bullies?
- How to deal with bullies?
- Why do people bully?
- How can I deal with physical bullying?
- How do I deal with emotional bullying?
- Where do I find someone who can do life coaching online?
If you need the answer to any of the above questions you have come to the right place!
Click here to book an introduction coaching session
Phone 0800 458 2877 Mob: 07840 760 907
John McManus (Tom) 8 Fernbank Avenue Hornchurch Essex RM12 5RA UK
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Fear!
Fear has a purpose. It helps keep us safe, keeps
us from taking too dangerous risks. For too many
people though, the power of fear keeps them from
improving their lives. In order to become
self-confident you must believe you can try to
change and succeed. Facing your fear is essential
to living the life you most want to lead.
Pinpointing your fears
Being afraid is a pretty intense emotion. The
first time we feel it we might not even know why.
Strangely enough, it is not always the fear of
failure that forces and grabs a hold. Sometimes it
is the fear of success that takes the driver’s
seat.
To understand how to defeat your fear, you must
understand its motivation.
What do you have to lose?
Dylan played drums for a popular indie band for
nearly ten years before they got a deal. Instead
of being elated, every time he thought about
signing the new record he started to sweat. The
option to quit the band crossed several times
before he pulled himself together.
The worst that could happen in Dylan’s case was
winding up on the road, where he’d been before, in
a van with guys that he usually liked playing
music he loved. There was the threat of their
songs being tweaked, winding up in debt, and other
things he was already dealing with.
Surprisingly it wasn’t the criticism either. As an
experienced musician, he’d heard his share of
hisses and boos. When he really thought about it,
Dylan was most worried about how he would handle
the success of a major musician.
What do I have to Win?
Many times people can easily list the benefits to
the situations they’re headed into. It’s what they
don’t know that’s so frightening. “What will
happen if I leave my husband?” “What will happen
once we’re married?” “How will this baby change my
life?”
Fear can paralyze your ability to make decisions.
When that happens, it’s time to survey your
options.
The world is full of resources where possible
outcomes can be rehashed and researched. Talk to
other newlyweds and divorcees. Check out parenting
TV shows, books and message boards.
Don’t be afraid to use your personal resources. If
a friend or neighbour has gone through something
similar, talk to that person. There’s no
substitute for having been there.
Once you understand what kinds of consequences
you’re facing, it’s much easier to prepare for
them.
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This website is in memory of my son Barry, who died on Saturday 3rd April 2010 (Easter Saturday) RIP
10% of revenue from the site will be donated to the ”Anthony Nolan Trust” and 10% to “Barts and London Charity” (b+tlc)
For help on coming to terms with a breakup of marriage or partnership, try Mike’s site here. Mike is a young man who wants to help others share their problems and give some words of encouragement!
For Lifestyle resources click Here
Click here to book an introduction coaching session
Phone 0800 458 2877 Mob: 07840 760 907
John McManus (Tom) Hornchurch Essex RM12 5RA UK
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